A blog by Joyce Cordus

This week I received a sweet message from a friend. It made me very happy because our friendship has just entered a new phase. We met long ago, in the prime of our lives. We were colleagues. A friendship developed. We saw each other regularly. Not just at work but in addition. Even later, when we both took different paths, our friendship lasted. We celebrated vacations together, could sit for hours together on outdoor cafes discussing anything and everything: a good book, work, the state of the world, the ups and downs of our children or our boyfriends …. We always had an opinion about something in those days.

Until the first time we went on a really long trip to a country that was foreign to both of us. Something happened there that seemed to end a friendship that had lasted for years. Maybe it had to do with traveling through a country with a really totally different culture that we both struggled with. We were both forced to relate to the mixed feelings that confronting the country that was strange to us and the culture that was even stranger to us. I felt, at least, very uncomfortable with it. How could a country with such a beautiful and rich cultural history be so intolerant of its own people? Women as well as men. It made me insecure about myself and my views but also, strangely, about my traveling companions. Each group member had their own ideas about the country, the people, the cultural “idiosyncrasies” and how to deal with them. A conversation about this with the group members seemed impossible. So not even with one of my best friends. Anyway, for some reason, that didn’t happen. Everyone stayed nice and uncomfortable in their own bubble. Me too. Ultimately resulting in a huge clash and estrangement between my girlfriend and me. Without saying goodbye to each other, we seemed to disappear invisibly and silently from each other’s lives.

Until six years later, I suddenly felt a strong need to reconnect. It all still didn’t sit well with me. I wanted to know exactly what had happened between us at the time and missed our friendship. Knowing that she might be in a very different frame of mind, I sent an app, not knowing if she still had the same number. Only a month later did I receive a response to that. I had almost given up. Long story short, we made an appointment. That one did not go very easily, but we were still both happy to see and speak to each other again. We both told our story of what happened. But we also asked each other the question: how could that actually happen? It was a difficult but frank conversation. I took from that that we were both trapped in our own “worry bubble” at the time. I had just stopped working a few months before the trip, had also moved and had to reinvent myself. She, too, was in that kind of situation. And instead of talking about that, I kept it all to myself, all those negative feelings and self-blame … My girlfriend basically did the same thing. I recognized the helplessness we as humans can have, the pain and sorrow. Shared humanity. It greatly relieved both of us to be able to tell our story. This paved the way for forgiveness.

Only now, again two years later, do I realize how valuable it is that I entered into that process. Her last app confirmed that we both did the right thing. We were able to forgive each other and pick up where we left off. Admittedly different from before, but everything changes anyway, even in a phenomenon like friendship. Fascinating, actually … This experience shows that forgiveness may not always be easy and can be a long-term process. But if you feel you are holding yourself captive through anger, resentment, regret or other negative feelings, it can be absolutely beneficial to engage in the process. Although that also requires courage. However, a true, valuable friendship is more than worth it.

Text blog: Joyce Cordus, April 15, 2024
Drawing: Willemien van Gurp